Signing off

I continue to have insights about love and grief, hope and faith. I miss Laurence immensely. I am getting better at finding memories that make me smile instead of cry. I receive frequent ah-ha moments that I know are messages from him. I continue to find strength in myself and deep gratitude for so many blessings.

If you would like to be part of a support group for women who have lost their husbands, please send an email: revgreen@sacredheartministries.org

 I am signing off on this blog. Please follow me at Empowered Thoughts.

Thanks so much for your prayers, support and loving kindness. I am so grateful for the amazing spiritual community around me.

Newness

I am grateful this year is over. My first year without Laurence. The second Christmas without him. I've learned a lot about myself this year. I am grateful for the love and support of family and friends.

I miss Laurence but I am so grateful he is not in pain and that he is free from physical limitations. I know he is loving all of us from the other side.

Tomorrow is a new year but more important tomorrow is a new day. I know God provides all that I need for tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I am grateful for the love that surrounds me and blesses me. I am grateful for my family and friends and my spiritual community. I am so grateful God is so gracious.

Football

I found myself at home on a Sunday after completing our pilgrimage in Spain. Sunday was usually our training day in preparation to walk the Camino.

I suddenly realized it was Sunday and it was football season. A wave of grief washed over me thinking about our Sundays at home. Laurence and I always ate leisurely breakfast together and read the Sunday paper. It was a joy to listen to him watch football and cheer for his team. Wherever I was in the house, I could hear the game.

In his honor I turned on the game. Just the sound of football Sunday brought some peace.

Pilgrimage

I leave tomorrow on a pilgrimage to Spain to walk the last 70 miles of the Way of St James. I am grateful to be there on the anniversary of Laurence's passing.

Laurence and I spent our honeymoon in Spain and planned to return there on our 10 year anniversary. I know he will be with me on this sacred journey.

Birthday Blues

Missing Laurence  today. He was always so gracious, thoughtful and loving about my birthday. I was grateful I was busy today. So grateful for the calls, emails and cards.
Still...it was a lonely without him.

Rings

I stopped wearing my wedding ring and engagement ring last week. I was thinking about it for a long time. I believed that if I didn't wear them then it would mean I didn't love Laurence any more. I realized that wasn't true.


The love we share is eternal. Today that's the only thing I know for sure.

Loss

So many memories were stirred up today. Ten years ago feels like yesterday. We were married on September 1, 2001 and were looking forward to spending our honeymoon in Spain. The tragedy of 9/11 was heartbreaking.

We were able to go to Spain. It was fascinating to watch the news from another country about all that was happening in the United States. There was a feeling of unity in the midst of tragedy and loss. People we met were so compassionate. We met a couple from London on the train and they told us the loss did not belong to the United States but to the world.

The events were so shockingly similar to my parents experience. They were married in November 29, 1941. They were on their way back from their honeymoon on December 7 when they heard Pearl Harbor was attacked. My Dad was drafted into the army and spent four years overseas fighting for our country.

Today was a swirling of sadness, grief and loss.

Newness

I had insights and blessings as I faced our anniversary alone. On Saturday, I attended an ordination ceremony in the same beautiful backyard that our wedding was held in, ten years ago. I was surrounded with loving friends and sweet memories.

On Sunday I officiated a wedding ceremony for some dear friends. I felt joy as I stood witness to their new life together. I bless them and send joy and love to them as they embark on their new adventure together.

God is so good.

Ten Years

Tomorrow is our ten year wedding anniversary. I've had a rough week missing Laurence and the amazing life that we shared together.

Years ago I searched and searched for someone to share my life with. Finally when I prayed and turned it over to God, Laurence showed up at my door.

I am so grateful for answered prayer.

Leiza

I am so grateful for my grief counselor, Leiza. She commented that she wasn't sure that she was being of any help to me.

It is truly a blessing to sit with her as she listens to me babble on about my process, my ups and downs, my fears and joys. We laugh, cry, (well, I cry and she listens) sit amazed at how the world can continue to move on with our loved ones gone.

I am so grateful for her presence and patience, for her caring and her love.

I am so blessed.

Healing

After Laurence passed, I remember being in such overwhelm and wondering what was I supposed to do next. I could very clearly hear Laurence telling me to finish the book.

I realize now what a healing process writing has been for me. In my mind, I see Laurence less as a patient in bed and more as the strong, funny, wise, loving husband that he was. I hear his comments when I am stressing about something to "Get over it." Or when I can't make a decision to "Man up."

I am so grateful for the awareness and healing that shows up everyday. Praise God!

Katie

Katie was Laurence's speech therapist last year. She was amazing with him. She saw his soul and not his physical limitations. She was so instrumental in helping him recover from his stroke.

Anyway, I called the hospital so I could get her mailing address and mail a copy of Anatomy of Caring and ending up talking with her. It was great to hear her voice.

I am so grateful for all the many hospital staff members over the years.

Thank you God.

OHSU

Maria and I were walking in Portland's west hills today and ended up at OHSU. We went into the hospital to use the restroom. I haven't been back since we brought Laurence home last September. I was aware of my feelings as we walked down the hall past the cafe. I was expecting to feel sadness, grief or overwhelm. Instead I felt peaceful and a sense of clarity.

As I thought about it later, I think I was feeling the clarity of purpose I had when Laurence was there. I had one purpose in life and that was to care for him and be his advocate. I had an awareness that everyone there was supporting me. There was no question for me as I woke up each day about what I was supposed to do. It was the most important work I've ever done.

We ran into Chaplain Debbie while we were there and had a chance to talk with her. I am so grateful for the care and love both Laurence and I received from everyone there. I know it was the result of all the prayers being sent our way.

I am so grateful God is so gracious.

Completion!

The boxes arrived with my new book. Friends asked if I was excited. I am grateful that it is completed. I think it was the thing that kept me going during my grief. It was a light to hang on to in the midst of creditors calling, illness and loss.

I am grateful that it is finished. But it is another reminder that Laurence is not here. There is a sadness in the midst of joy, wishing he were here to celebrate with me.

We did it Laurence! Thank you for your inspiration, your faith and your love. Thank you God.

Love

I was back east visiting my family recently. One day my Dad asked how it was for me without Laurence. I couldn't really explain it. He can't begin to comprehend the loss. He and my Mom will be married 70 years in November.

It is touching to watch my parents together. When my Dad visits my Mom at the nursing home, he stands up out of his wheelchair to lean over and give her a kiss. He does the same before he leaves.

Life is so precious.

Grief Division

I am in the process of relinquishing our vacation timeshare back to the company. I don't have the funds to keep it.

It was an extraordinary blessing for us. We vacationed in Palm Springs, Mexico, Florida, Arizona to name a few of the places we traveled. We loved our time together and our travels.

I completed the paperwork, included a copy of Laurence's death certificate and returned it by FedEx. I received a FedEx back with a letter to Laurence telling him that he neglected to sign the paperwork. I called and left messages three times reminding them that he passed away. Then they called and left a message wanting the signed paperwork returned. I returned it by FedEx with a copy of the death certificate. They sent another FedEx with paperwork for me to go back to the notary and have them certify my signature...again.


Loss shows up in so many ways. Loss of my beloved husband, the life we shared, our vacation investment. I wish companies had a Grief Division to help people through loss and not make them explain it over and over again.

Spicy

I've been with a number of friends lately who don't like spicy food. I never did until I married Laurence. He loved spicy food and always had some type of hot sauce near by. Is that spicy?? I would ask. He would assure me it was mild...he really believed it was. I would take a bite and my eyes would water and mouth would burn and accuse him of lying to me. He would apologize and we would laugh.

Now I'm the one that likes spicy food. Most of my friends avoid it and I'm the one adding hot sauce.

Laurence would be proud of me...

Secret Revealed

While coloring my hair today I flashed on a beautiful memory standing at the kitchen sink with a towel around my shoulders while Laurence applied my hair color. Of course, the urgent timing to color my hair often occurred during a football game, a golf match or during March Madness. He was always willing. Mr. Laurence, hair stylist, I called him. He was so methodical about it, carefully applying color making sure not to spill and making sure it was done correctly. After I dried my hair and styled it, he would approve of a job well done.

He swore me to secrecy. No manly man would ever admit to applying hair color.

Secret is out about Mr. Laurence. But it's no secret that he was a giving man with a loving heart.

Sushi

I went with a friend to eat at a sushi restaurant that was a favorite place for Laurence and me. I've been wanting to eat there but was anxious about how I would feel there. My anxiety was more extreme than the actual experience. I had a few moments of sadness but as we ate and talked I was able to relax and enjoy the meal.

I'm grateful for the experiences and the memories. Grateful for the blessings we shared.

Father's Day

Thinking about Laurence today on Father's Day. How much he loved his children and grandchildren. Thinking about his generosity, brilliant smile, great sense of humor.

I am grateful my Dad is still around. It was wonderful to talk with him today. I so appreciate his love and compassion.

I am very blessed.