Rings

I stopped wearing my wedding ring and engagement ring last week. I was thinking about it for a long time. I believed that if I didn't wear them then it would mean I didn't love Laurence any more. I realized that wasn't true.


The love we share is eternal. Today that's the only thing I know for sure.

Loss

So many memories were stirred up today. Ten years ago feels like yesterday. We were married on September 1, 2001 and were looking forward to spending our honeymoon in Spain. The tragedy of 9/11 was heartbreaking.

We were able to go to Spain. It was fascinating to watch the news from another country about all that was happening in the United States. There was a feeling of unity in the midst of tragedy and loss. People we met were so compassionate. We met a couple from London on the train and they told us the loss did not belong to the United States but to the world.

The events were so shockingly similar to my parents experience. They were married in November 29, 1941. They were on their way back from their honeymoon on December 7 when they heard Pearl Harbor was attacked. My Dad was drafted into the army and spent four years overseas fighting for our country.

Today was a swirling of sadness, grief and loss.

Newness

I had insights and blessings as I faced our anniversary alone. On Saturday, I attended an ordination ceremony in the same beautiful backyard that our wedding was held in, ten years ago. I was surrounded with loving friends and sweet memories.

On Sunday I officiated a wedding ceremony for some dear friends. I felt joy as I stood witness to their new life together. I bless them and send joy and love to them as they embark on their new adventure together.

God is so good.

Ten Years

Tomorrow is our ten year wedding anniversary. I've had a rough week missing Laurence and the amazing life that we shared together.

Years ago I searched and searched for someone to share my life with. Finally when I prayed and turned it over to God, Laurence showed up at my door.

I am so grateful for answered prayer.

Leiza

I am so grateful for my grief counselor, Leiza. She commented that she wasn't sure that she was being of any help to me.

It is truly a blessing to sit with her as she listens to me babble on about my process, my ups and downs, my fears and joys. We laugh, cry, (well, I cry and she listens) sit amazed at how the world can continue to move on with our loved ones gone.

I am so grateful for her presence and patience, for her caring and her love.

I am so blessed.

Healing

After Laurence passed, I remember being in such overwhelm and wondering what was I supposed to do next. I could very clearly hear Laurence telling me to finish the book.

I realize now what a healing process writing has been for me. In my mind, I see Laurence less as a patient in bed and more as the strong, funny, wise, loving husband that he was. I hear his comments when I am stressing about something to "Get over it." Or when I can't make a decision to "Man up."

I am so grateful for the awareness and healing that shows up everyday. Praise God!

Katie

Katie was Laurence's speech therapist last year. She was amazing with him. She saw his soul and not his physical limitations. She was so instrumental in helping him recover from his stroke.

Anyway, I called the hospital so I could get her mailing address and mail a copy of Anatomy of Caring and ending up talking with her. It was great to hear her voice.

I am so grateful for all the many hospital staff members over the years.

Thank you God.