Newness

I had insights and blessings as I faced our anniversary alone. On Saturday, I attended an ordination ceremony in the same beautiful backyard that our wedding was held in, ten years ago. I was surrounded with loving friends and sweet memories.

On Sunday I officiated a wedding ceremony for some dear friends. I felt joy as I stood witness to their new life together. I bless them and send joy and love to them as they embark on their new adventure together.

God is so good.

Ten Years

Tomorrow is our ten year wedding anniversary. I've had a rough week missing Laurence and the amazing life that we shared together.

Years ago I searched and searched for someone to share my life with. Finally when I prayed and turned it over to God, Laurence showed up at my door.

I am so grateful for answered prayer.

Leiza

I am so grateful for my grief counselor, Leiza. She commented that she wasn't sure that she was being of any help to me.

It is truly a blessing to sit with her as she listens to me babble on about my process, my ups and downs, my fears and joys. We laugh, cry, (well, I cry and she listens) sit amazed at how the world can continue to move on with our loved ones gone.

I am so grateful for her presence and patience, for her caring and her love.

I am so blessed.

Healing

After Laurence passed, I remember being in such overwhelm and wondering what was I supposed to do next. I could very clearly hear Laurence telling me to finish the book.

I realize now what a healing process writing has been for me. In my mind, I see Laurence less as a patient in bed and more as the strong, funny, wise, loving husband that he was. I hear his comments when I am stressing about something to "Get over it." Or when I can't make a decision to "Man up."

I am so grateful for the awareness and healing that shows up everyday. Praise God!

Katie

Katie was Laurence's speech therapist last year. She was amazing with him. She saw his soul and not his physical limitations. She was so instrumental in helping him recover from his stroke.

Anyway, I called the hospital so I could get her mailing address and mail a copy of Anatomy of Caring and ending up talking with her. It was great to hear her voice.

I am so grateful for all the many hospital staff members over the years.

Thank you God.

OHSU

Maria and I were walking in Portland's west hills today and ended up at OHSU. We went into the hospital to use the restroom. I haven't been back since we brought Laurence home last September. I was aware of my feelings as we walked down the hall past the cafe. I was expecting to feel sadness, grief or overwhelm. Instead I felt peaceful and a sense of clarity.

As I thought about it later, I think I was feeling the clarity of purpose I had when Laurence was there. I had one purpose in life and that was to care for him and be his advocate. I had an awareness that everyone there was supporting me. There was no question for me as I woke up each day about what I was supposed to do. It was the most important work I've ever done.

We ran into Chaplain Debbie while we were there and had a chance to talk with her. I am so grateful for the care and love both Laurence and I received from everyone there. I know it was the result of all the prayers being sent our way.

I am so grateful God is so gracious.

Completion!

The boxes arrived with my new book. Friends asked if I was excited. I am grateful that it is completed. I think it was the thing that kept me going during my grief. It was a light to hang on to in the midst of creditors calling, illness and loss.

I am grateful that it is finished. But it is another reminder that Laurence is not here. There is a sadness in the midst of joy, wishing he were here to celebrate with me.

We did it Laurence! Thank you for your inspiration, your faith and your love. Thank you God.