Secret Revealed

While coloring my hair today I flashed on a beautiful memory standing at the kitchen sink with a towel around my shoulders while Laurence applied my hair color. Of course, the urgent timing to color my hair often occurred during a football game, a golf match or during March Madness. He was always willing. Mr. Laurence, hair stylist, I called him. He was so methodical about it, carefully applying color making sure not to spill and making sure it was done correctly. After I dried my hair and styled it, he would approve of a job well done.

He swore me to secrecy. No manly man would ever admit to applying hair color.

Secret is out about Mr. Laurence. But it's no secret that he was a giving man with a loving heart.

Sushi

I went with a friend to eat at a sushi restaurant that was a favorite place for Laurence and me. I've been wanting to eat there but was anxious about how I would feel there. My anxiety was more extreme than the actual experience. I had a few moments of sadness but as we ate and talked I was able to relax and enjoy the meal.

I'm grateful for the experiences and the memories. Grateful for the blessings we shared.

Father's Day

Thinking about Laurence today on Father's Day. How much he loved his children and grandchildren. Thinking about his generosity, brilliant smile, great sense of humor.

I am grateful my Dad is still around. It was wonderful to talk with him today. I so appreciate his love and compassion.

I am very blessed.

Friendship

My friend Shirlee was here for a visit this week. We've known each other for over 25 years. It was a blessing to have her here and to catch up on our lives. Although we've talked on the phone and sent emails, the last time I saw her was at our wedding.

Friendship is an extraordinary treasure. I am grateful for all our experiences and mostly for knowing that time and distance does not separate friendship.

I am so aware of the precious gift of friends and give thanks for the blessing each day brings.

Journal Excerpt

Excerpt from Anatomy of Caring, Laurence's journal:
June 8, 2010

Jesus tells the man at the pool(Gospel of John Chapter5) to pick up his mat and walk. The man had been afflicted for thirty-eight years, a chronic condition for such a long time. He is not aware of who Jesus is, but still does what he says. Jesus tells him to stop sinning or something even worse will happen.

I know that place of resistance. The head and body want to resist the light for fear of death. Yet as I read these words I recognize the places of resistance where Christ has worn away the fear with pure love. His words in this chapter are about the authority of the Father. Yet his revolutionary awareness had to be threatening to the human mind.

In my own walk with polycythemia vera and leukemia, death has been the great fear, release, and opportunity. Now I see it as the hope that Christ came and lived and died and was resurrected for me! I embrace that resurrection in each prayer and meditation, each test and procedure of this walk.

Drugs Gone!

There were prescription drugs under the sink, in a box in the garage and in a bag in the back of the closet. There were plastic drop off containers full of used syringes and unopened boxes of syringes with prescription meds in them. Finally, today I was able to drop them off at a neighborhood disposal site.

I literally disposed of thousands of dollars worth of drugs that, thankfully, the insurance company paid for. It's so unfortunate that there is no way to give them to hospice or the hospital so that someone without insurance could benefit from them.

The ones that haunted me the most were the bottles of oxycodone. In the months just after Laurence passed I debated whether or not to take them myself. I reasoned that they would relieve me of my physical and emotional pain. Or perhaps I should save them in case times get tough, as they would be a source of easy cash.

I was ashamed and frightened by my thinking until I found out I was not alone. I recently met with a friend who also lost her husband to cancer and she confessed the same temptation. Reality is shaky when dealing with grief.

I know without a doubt my sanity and my life was saved by all the prayers being sent my way. I absolutely know angels and my beloved are watching over me. Praise God.

Eight Months

Today is the eight month anniversary of Laurence's passing. I am feeling more of his strength lately. I remember him less as being sick and more of being the dynamic, funny, confident man that he was.

I had lunch with his business partner and visited their new offices. Very beautiful. Laurence would have loved it. I could imagine him in the corner office with all the windows.

I am so grateful for the blessings from God I receive each and every day.