Memories

It was a year ago today that Laurence checked into the hospital for his bone marrow transplant. Memories have flooded my mind and filled my emotions. I am so grateful for his love and treasure the brief time we've had together.

Here an excerpt from Anatomy of Caring, Laurence's first journal entry from when he learned he had leukemia.


12/26/2009

"On Dec 15 I got a new doctor to take this next part of the journey. Dr. James Gajewski of OHSU is in charge of my care. He is a skilled and thoughtful man, deliberate in action and possesses a sense of humor appropriate to the conditions. He has a deep faith and respects not only his patients but the team of practitioners he partners with to care for his charges. I like and appreciate him.

He called on Dec 22 to say that the biopsy done on Dec 18 had come back showing an aggressive form of Leukemia (AML). I was stunned to hear those words come out of his mouth. Two days he gave me to come in and get started on chemo. It was nearly 4 in the afternoon when he called saying he wished it was better news. My previous biopsy was clear of Leukemia but clearly showed fibrosis.


My prayer now ranged from let me go to use me. I flashed on my Grandmother’s grief as well as my Mom’s grief at losing Dad and I can’t see me doing that to my wife, kids and family. Selfish I know but the prospect of the fatigue and lack of direction and uncertainty was beginning to weigh on me. I could hear the other side calling. However, I could feel the grief of loved ones present even more. Tuesday night I surrendered into the place of peace with God.

Wednesday we came to OHSU clinic for tests and then had dinner out, our sushi place. Tuesday night we had our Christmas exchange. It seems so long ago. Thursday we came here. It is with wide-eye wonder and fear we enter this next part of the journey."

The Mansion

My friend Maria and I were on our weekly Sunday morning power walk and turned down a street we weren't familiar with. A man out walking his dog sent us in a direction that connected with the trail up to Pittock Mansion. We've been planning to hike up to the mansion eventually, so today seemed like the perfect time.

We got to the top and walked over to the overlook area. I was scanning my brain to remember when the last time I had visited. It suddenly occurred to me that it was a year ago, almost to the hour, that I had been there with Laurence and his sister, Paula. We had taken her to breakfast and then took a drive to show her some sites of Portland and ended up at Pittock Mansion. We took some pictures, walked around the grounds and then went back home so Laurence could rest.

Maria and I sat on a bench to eat our snacks and I was overwhelmed with emotion as so many memories flooded back into my mind. When I first moved to Portland, I hiked up the trail to the mansion many times. I sat on the same bench we were on, appreciating the beauty surrounding me and prayed for someone to share my life with. When I met Laurence we made it a regular spot to enjoy a picnic lunch and people watch. Now I realized it was the last place Laurence and I visited.

There was no mistake that we ended up there today. A powerful reminder of love, beauty and the presence of God.

Memories

I heard that a friend's husband is in hospice care. Their children, grandchildren and family members are watching and waiting.

It brought up painful memories for me. It was a blessing to have Laurence at home and yet it was heartbreaking to watch him fade.

I have great gratitude for hospice workers, nurses and staff members. It is a gift for them to be present yet in the background so family members can grieve.

I've been sending prayers and love to my friend and her family, knowing that God is lifting them in love.

The Garden

Working in the garden has always been a blessing to me. There is something about digging into the soil that renews the soul. One sunny day last week (we're not having very many of these) I ventured out to pull some weeds only to find myself having a panic attack. I was short of breath and incredibly tired after a brief time. I put my tools away and went back to my chair on the deck.

I thought about the joy Laurence and I shared in the garden. He was my muscle man and did all the heavy lifting. After his surgeries a few years ago, he couldn't give physical help but he was my inspiration, listening to my ideas and acknowledging my artistic endeavors.

I think I was feeling that loss the other day. I know I'll get back out there giving thanks for the time we shared in the garden. I'm grateful for God's blessings.

Dreams

I've had several intense dreams about Laurence lately. The details faded quickly but I remember how he was helping me in some way. In fact, when I woke up I felt like he was still holding my hand.

I still feel moments of grief when I just can't believe he's not here. There is still a feeling of shock and sadness. But there are also times when I feel so much peace. I feel a greater freedom to talk to Laurence, especially when I'm cooking something. He is definitely helping me because I actually made some pretty good meals.

I give thanks for him every day in my prayers. I prayed for an extraordinary partner and my prayers were answered beyond my imagination. Thank you God.