Decisions

One of the toughest challenges for me is making decisions alone. Laurence was a blessing to talk with and had such clarity when it came to making decisions. He was incredibly knowledgeable and I felt relieved to have his support.

It is overwhelming that he is not here to help and I've had to make some of the biggest life-changing decisions since his passing. I am so grateful for all the loving friends that will answer my calls and questions. They help save my sanity.

I do know that Laurence is still helping me even though I can't have a conversation with him. I can feel his loving energy.

Coping

I often feel frustrated at answering the question "How are you doing?" I can tell you what I am feeling at the moment but it does little to describe the enormity of walking through loss. I have experienced the darkest corners of grief, the satisfaction of completing projects and feeling lonely in a room full of people.

Found this article that talks about the stages of grief. The author acknowledges that we can't put grief into a timeline or a framework. A friend asked me to explain what my grief was like. It's not possible. It is different every day.

I believe I have only touched on the depth of the loss. There has been so much to deal with after Laurence's death with the service, finances, paperwork and decisions. I know there is incredibly deep sadness that is below the surface that I haven't faced yet.

Mostly I would answer the question that I am coping. Some days are better than others.

Sold!

Car was sold yesterday. Praise God!

The mysterious buyer on craigslist was a manager at a car dealer. The transaction flowed with ease and grace.

Thanks for your prayers and love.

Vehicle of Freedom

I listed Laurence's car for sale on craigslist last week. I was stressing about selling it quickly. The manager at the credit union told me that she would be willing to extend my time (30 days) if I needed. A friend referred me to a broker and he agreed to include it in his listings. Someone emailed from craigslist and made a cash offer (for much less than the asking price). I turned him down.

I realized I was in conflict with myself. I felt urgency to sell it but at the same time I don't want to let it go. When it is gone, it's one more place that Laurence is gone.

Few people know that his first seven years as a financial advisor Laurence didn't own a car. We shared mine but mostly he took the bus. He never once complained and rarely asked for a ride. He never, really, never missed an appointment. He didn't want to take on the expense until he was ready. In 2007 he researched online and purchased a pre-owned Nissan Murano from Enterprise rental car company. His car was an expression of freedom for him. It was an acknowledgement of his achievement and effort.

I pray that the new owner is revealed with ease and grace. I accept that they feel the loving energy and the spirit of freedom. I trust that wisdom guides each step of the way. I gratefully carry Laurence's love in my heart as I let go and let God.

I am grateful God is gracious.