OHSU

Maria and I were walking in Portland's west hills today and ended up at OHSU. We went into the hospital to use the restroom. I haven't been back since we brought Laurence home last September. I was aware of my feelings as we walked down the hall past the cafe. I was expecting to feel sadness, grief or overwhelm. Instead I felt peaceful and a sense of clarity.

As I thought about it later, I think I was feeling the clarity of purpose I had when Laurence was there. I had one purpose in life and that was to care for him and be his advocate. I had an awareness that everyone there was supporting me. There was no question for me as I woke up each day about what I was supposed to do. It was the most important work I've ever done.

We ran into Chaplain Debbie while we were there and had a chance to talk with her. I am so grateful for the care and love both Laurence and I received from everyone there. I know it was the result of all the prayers being sent our way.

I am so grateful God is so gracious.

Completion!

The boxes arrived with my new book. Friends asked if I was excited. I am grateful that it is completed. I think it was the thing that kept me going during my grief. It was a light to hang on to in the midst of creditors calling, illness and loss.

I am grateful that it is finished. But it is another reminder that Laurence is not here. There is a sadness in the midst of joy, wishing he were here to celebrate with me.

We did it Laurence! Thank you for your inspiration, your faith and your love. Thank you God.

Love

I was back east visiting my family recently. One day my Dad asked how it was for me without Laurence. I couldn't really explain it. He can't begin to comprehend the loss. He and my Mom will be married 70 years in November.

It is touching to watch my parents together. When my Dad visits my Mom at the nursing home, he stands up out of his wheelchair to lean over and give her a kiss. He does the same before he leaves.

Life is so precious.

Grief Division

I am in the process of relinquishing our vacation timeshare back to the company. I don't have the funds to keep it.

It was an extraordinary blessing for us. We vacationed in Palm Springs, Mexico, Florida, Arizona to name a few of the places we traveled. We loved our time together and our travels.

I completed the paperwork, included a copy of Laurence's death certificate and returned it by FedEx. I received a FedEx back with a letter to Laurence telling him that he neglected to sign the paperwork. I called and left messages three times reminding them that he passed away. Then they called and left a message wanting the signed paperwork returned. I returned it by FedEx with a copy of the death certificate. They sent another FedEx with paperwork for me to go back to the notary and have them certify my signature...again.


Loss shows up in so many ways. Loss of my beloved husband, the life we shared, our vacation investment. I wish companies had a Grief Division to help people through loss and not make them explain it over and over again.

Spicy

I've been with a number of friends lately who don't like spicy food. I never did until I married Laurence. He loved spicy food and always had some type of hot sauce near by. Is that spicy?? I would ask. He would assure me it was mild...he really believed it was. I would take a bite and my eyes would water and mouth would burn and accuse him of lying to me. He would apologize and we would laugh.

Now I'm the one that likes spicy food. Most of my friends avoid it and I'm the one adding hot sauce.

Laurence would be proud of me...