Fish Sticks

I miss my beloved. On New Year's Eve Laurence would make a fabulous steak and shrimp dinner. We would have sushi for appetizers, champagne and something scrumptious for dessert.

I thought about stopping and getting sushi this afternoon but was busy filing papers. I debated about getting take-out at Outback Steak House but didn't want to go back outside. I thought about opening the bottle of champagne in the frig but decided against it.

I had fish sticks and french fries for dinner and an apple for dessert. It's not the same being home alone on New Year's Eve.

All that being said, I am very grateful for the loving life we shared together. Grateful for Laurence's loving presence guiding me. Grateful for the many gracious and loving friends. Looking forward to a new day and a fresh start.

Wishing you abundant blessings in the new year.

A New Beginning

Getting through the holidays without my beloved was painful and depressing to say the least. The constant drone of Christmas music everywhere, gift buying frenzy, and commercial promise that this is a magical time of year is an emotional assault when in the midst of grief. Friendly store clerks would ask "Are you ready for the holiday?" "All ready," I lied. No one really wants to hear that my husband is dead, I'm depressed, alone and overwhelmed at every step I need to take.

But I did it! I moved through the sadness and grief one day at a time. I spent this week out of town with supportive friends who loved and supported me. I talked and emailed friends who listened and prayed.

In the midst of all of this, Christmas was revealed today. I felt God's love for me today and a sense of freedom. I remembered that the presence of Christ is with me even in the darkest hour. I still have many, many challenges ahead but I have renewed faith. I received the gift of Christmas which is love. Thank you God.

The Banker

I arrived at the bank with the necessary paperwork in my bag and courage in my heart. Laurence's checking account made it feel like he was still present. Closing the account felt like I was closing off another part of his life. Another part of him is disappearing.

The teller directed me to a bank associate sitting at a desk. Choking back tears I whispered I was there because my husband passed away and I needed to close his account. He examined the paperwork and clicked away on this computer keyboard. "So what are you doing to enjoy this sunny afternoon?" he asked. Really? I just handed you my husband's death certificate and you are asking me if I am enjoying the sunshine??? I don't know how long I stared at him, first stunned by his insensitivity and then editing the litany of thoughts I would have liked to shout at him.

I am learning to manage my grief. Most of the time I find compassion when I hear hurtful things and know that it's not intentional. God was watching over me because before I could answer he was called away to handle another question.


I hope I am never so distracted that I am not aware of what someone is feeling. I make a vow to listen with more compassion. I ask God to guide me to speak words to others that are uplifting. I ask for more strength to learn how to forgive.

50%

I finally admitted that I'm operating at 50% capacity. Loss of my beloved, sinus infection, lack of sleep, grief. Maybe it's more like 40%.

Once I admitted it to myself I felt freedom. I could forgive myself for forgetting appointments and missing my friends' birthdays. I could give myself a break when I don't accomplish all that I set out to do, am too tired to exercise, forget to pay a bill. I am hoping my friends will forgive me for not returning phone calls and emails.

I am giving myself a break.

I know God still loves me.