Newness

I am grateful this year is over. My first year without Laurence. The second Christmas without him. I've learned a lot about myself this year. I am grateful for the love and support of family and friends.

I miss Laurence but I am so grateful he is not in pain and that he is free from physical limitations. I know he is loving all of us from the other side.

Tomorrow is a new year but more important tomorrow is a new day. I know God provides all that I need for tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I am grateful for the love that surrounds me and blesses me. I am grateful for my family and friends and my spiritual community. I am so grateful God is so gracious.

Football

I found myself at home on a Sunday after completing our pilgrimage in Spain. Sunday was usually our training day in preparation to walk the Camino.

I suddenly realized it was Sunday and it was football season. A wave of grief washed over me thinking about our Sundays at home. Laurence and I always ate leisurely breakfast together and read the Sunday paper. It was a joy to listen to him watch football and cheer for his team. Wherever I was in the house, I could hear the game.

In his honor I turned on the game. Just the sound of football Sunday brought some peace.

Pilgrimage

I leave tomorrow on a pilgrimage to Spain to walk the last 70 miles of the Way of St James. I am grateful to be there on the anniversary of Laurence's passing.

Laurence and I spent our honeymoon in Spain and planned to return there on our 10 year anniversary. I know he will be with me on this sacred journey.

Birthday Blues

Missing Laurence  today. He was always so gracious, thoughtful and loving about my birthday. I was grateful I was busy today. So grateful for the calls, emails and cards.
Still...it was a lonely without him.

Rings

I stopped wearing my wedding ring and engagement ring last week. I was thinking about it for a long time. I believed that if I didn't wear them then it would mean I didn't love Laurence any more. I realized that wasn't true.


The love we share is eternal. Today that's the only thing I know for sure.

Loss

So many memories were stirred up today. Ten years ago feels like yesterday. We were married on September 1, 2001 and were looking forward to spending our honeymoon in Spain. The tragedy of 9/11 was heartbreaking.

We were able to go to Spain. It was fascinating to watch the news from another country about all that was happening in the United States. There was a feeling of unity in the midst of tragedy and loss. People we met were so compassionate. We met a couple from London on the train and they told us the loss did not belong to the United States but to the world.

The events were so shockingly similar to my parents experience. They were married in November 29, 1941. They were on their way back from their honeymoon on December 7 when they heard Pearl Harbor was attacked. My Dad was drafted into the army and spent four years overseas fighting for our country.

Today was a swirling of sadness, grief and loss.

Newness

I had insights and blessings as I faced our anniversary alone. On Saturday, I attended an ordination ceremony in the same beautiful backyard that our wedding was held in, ten years ago. I was surrounded with loving friends and sweet memories.

On Sunday I officiated a wedding ceremony for some dear friends. I felt joy as I stood witness to their new life together. I bless them and send joy and love to them as they embark on their new adventure together.

God is so good.

Ten Years

Tomorrow is our ten year wedding anniversary. I've had a rough week missing Laurence and the amazing life that we shared together.

Years ago I searched and searched for someone to share my life with. Finally when I prayed and turned it over to God, Laurence showed up at my door.

I am so grateful for answered prayer.

Leiza

I am so grateful for my grief counselor, Leiza. She commented that she wasn't sure that she was being of any help to me.

It is truly a blessing to sit with her as she listens to me babble on about my process, my ups and downs, my fears and joys. We laugh, cry, (well, I cry and she listens) sit amazed at how the world can continue to move on with our loved ones gone.

I am so grateful for her presence and patience, for her caring and her love.

I am so blessed.

Healing

After Laurence passed, I remember being in such overwhelm and wondering what was I supposed to do next. I could very clearly hear Laurence telling me to finish the book.

I realize now what a healing process writing has been for me. In my mind, I see Laurence less as a patient in bed and more as the strong, funny, wise, loving husband that he was. I hear his comments when I am stressing about something to "Get over it." Or when I can't make a decision to "Man up."

I am so grateful for the awareness and healing that shows up everyday. Praise God!

Katie

Katie was Laurence's speech therapist last year. She was amazing with him. She saw his soul and not his physical limitations. She was so instrumental in helping him recover from his stroke.

Anyway, I called the hospital so I could get her mailing address and mail a copy of Anatomy of Caring and ending up talking with her. It was great to hear her voice.

I am so grateful for all the many hospital staff members over the years.

Thank you God.

OHSU

Maria and I were walking in Portland's west hills today and ended up at OHSU. We went into the hospital to use the restroom. I haven't been back since we brought Laurence home last September. I was aware of my feelings as we walked down the hall past the cafe. I was expecting to feel sadness, grief or overwhelm. Instead I felt peaceful and a sense of clarity.

As I thought about it later, I think I was feeling the clarity of purpose I had when Laurence was there. I had one purpose in life and that was to care for him and be his advocate. I had an awareness that everyone there was supporting me. There was no question for me as I woke up each day about what I was supposed to do. It was the most important work I've ever done.

We ran into Chaplain Debbie while we were there and had a chance to talk with her. I am so grateful for the care and love both Laurence and I received from everyone there. I know it was the result of all the prayers being sent our way.

I am so grateful God is so gracious.

Completion!

The boxes arrived with my new book. Friends asked if I was excited. I am grateful that it is completed. I think it was the thing that kept me going during my grief. It was a light to hang on to in the midst of creditors calling, illness and loss.

I am grateful that it is finished. But it is another reminder that Laurence is not here. There is a sadness in the midst of joy, wishing he were here to celebrate with me.

We did it Laurence! Thank you for your inspiration, your faith and your love. Thank you God.

Love

I was back east visiting my family recently. One day my Dad asked how it was for me without Laurence. I couldn't really explain it. He can't begin to comprehend the loss. He and my Mom will be married 70 years in November.

It is touching to watch my parents together. When my Dad visits my Mom at the nursing home, he stands up out of his wheelchair to lean over and give her a kiss. He does the same before he leaves.

Life is so precious.

Grief Division

I am in the process of relinquishing our vacation timeshare back to the company. I don't have the funds to keep it.

It was an extraordinary blessing for us. We vacationed in Palm Springs, Mexico, Florida, Arizona to name a few of the places we traveled. We loved our time together and our travels.

I completed the paperwork, included a copy of Laurence's death certificate and returned it by FedEx. I received a FedEx back with a letter to Laurence telling him that he neglected to sign the paperwork. I called and left messages three times reminding them that he passed away. Then they called and left a message wanting the signed paperwork returned. I returned it by FedEx with a copy of the death certificate. They sent another FedEx with paperwork for me to go back to the notary and have them certify my signature...again.


Loss shows up in so many ways. Loss of my beloved husband, the life we shared, our vacation investment. I wish companies had a Grief Division to help people through loss and not make them explain it over and over again.

Spicy

I've been with a number of friends lately who don't like spicy food. I never did until I married Laurence. He loved spicy food and always had some type of hot sauce near by. Is that spicy?? I would ask. He would assure me it was mild...he really believed it was. I would take a bite and my eyes would water and mouth would burn and accuse him of lying to me. He would apologize and we would laugh.

Now I'm the one that likes spicy food. Most of my friends avoid it and I'm the one adding hot sauce.

Laurence would be proud of me...

Secret Revealed

While coloring my hair today I flashed on a beautiful memory standing at the kitchen sink with a towel around my shoulders while Laurence applied my hair color. Of course, the urgent timing to color my hair often occurred during a football game, a golf match or during March Madness. He was always willing. Mr. Laurence, hair stylist, I called him. He was so methodical about it, carefully applying color making sure not to spill and making sure it was done correctly. After I dried my hair and styled it, he would approve of a job well done.

He swore me to secrecy. No manly man would ever admit to applying hair color.

Secret is out about Mr. Laurence. But it's no secret that he was a giving man with a loving heart.

Sushi

I went with a friend to eat at a sushi restaurant that was a favorite place for Laurence and me. I've been wanting to eat there but was anxious about how I would feel there. My anxiety was more extreme than the actual experience. I had a few moments of sadness but as we ate and talked I was able to relax and enjoy the meal.

I'm grateful for the experiences and the memories. Grateful for the blessings we shared.

Father's Day

Thinking about Laurence today on Father's Day. How much he loved his children and grandchildren. Thinking about his generosity, brilliant smile, great sense of humor.

I am grateful my Dad is still around. It was wonderful to talk with him today. I so appreciate his love and compassion.

I am very blessed.

Friendship

My friend Shirlee was here for a visit this week. We've known each other for over 25 years. It was a blessing to have her here and to catch up on our lives. Although we've talked on the phone and sent emails, the last time I saw her was at our wedding.

Friendship is an extraordinary treasure. I am grateful for all our experiences and mostly for knowing that time and distance does not separate friendship.

I am so aware of the precious gift of friends and give thanks for the blessing each day brings.

Journal Excerpt

Excerpt from Anatomy of Caring, Laurence's journal:
June 8, 2010

Jesus tells the man at the pool(Gospel of John Chapter5) to pick up his mat and walk. The man had been afflicted for thirty-eight years, a chronic condition for such a long time. He is not aware of who Jesus is, but still does what he says. Jesus tells him to stop sinning or something even worse will happen.

I know that place of resistance. The head and body want to resist the light for fear of death. Yet as I read these words I recognize the places of resistance where Christ has worn away the fear with pure love. His words in this chapter are about the authority of the Father. Yet his revolutionary awareness had to be threatening to the human mind.

In my own walk with polycythemia vera and leukemia, death has been the great fear, release, and opportunity. Now I see it as the hope that Christ came and lived and died and was resurrected for me! I embrace that resurrection in each prayer and meditation, each test and procedure of this walk.

Drugs Gone!

There were prescription drugs under the sink, in a box in the garage and in a bag in the back of the closet. There were plastic drop off containers full of used syringes and unopened boxes of syringes with prescription meds in them. Finally, today I was able to drop them off at a neighborhood disposal site.

I literally disposed of thousands of dollars worth of drugs that, thankfully, the insurance company paid for. It's so unfortunate that there is no way to give them to hospice or the hospital so that someone without insurance could benefit from them.

The ones that haunted me the most were the bottles of oxycodone. In the months just after Laurence passed I debated whether or not to take them myself. I reasoned that they would relieve me of my physical and emotional pain. Or perhaps I should save them in case times get tough, as they would be a source of easy cash.

I was ashamed and frightened by my thinking until I found out I was not alone. I recently met with a friend who also lost her husband to cancer and she confessed the same temptation. Reality is shaky when dealing with grief.

I know without a doubt my sanity and my life was saved by all the prayers being sent my way. I absolutely know angels and my beloved are watching over me. Praise God.

Eight Months

Today is the eight month anniversary of Laurence's passing. I am feeling more of his strength lately. I remember him less as being sick and more of being the dynamic, funny, confident man that he was.

I had lunch with his business partner and visited their new offices. Very beautiful. Laurence would have loved it. I could imagine him in the corner office with all the windows.

I am so grateful for the blessings from God I receive each and every day.

Memories

It was a year ago today that Laurence checked into the hospital for his bone marrow transplant. Memories have flooded my mind and filled my emotions. I am so grateful for his love and treasure the brief time we've had together.

Here an excerpt from Anatomy of Caring, Laurence's first journal entry from when he learned he had leukemia.


12/26/2009

"On Dec 15 I got a new doctor to take this next part of the journey. Dr. James Gajewski of OHSU is in charge of my care. He is a skilled and thoughtful man, deliberate in action and possesses a sense of humor appropriate to the conditions. He has a deep faith and respects not only his patients but the team of practitioners he partners with to care for his charges. I like and appreciate him.

He called on Dec 22 to say that the biopsy done on Dec 18 had come back showing an aggressive form of Leukemia (AML). I was stunned to hear those words come out of his mouth. Two days he gave me to come in and get started on chemo. It was nearly 4 in the afternoon when he called saying he wished it was better news. My previous biopsy was clear of Leukemia but clearly showed fibrosis.


My prayer now ranged from let me go to use me. I flashed on my Grandmother’s grief as well as my Mom’s grief at losing Dad and I can’t see me doing that to my wife, kids and family. Selfish I know but the prospect of the fatigue and lack of direction and uncertainty was beginning to weigh on me. I could hear the other side calling. However, I could feel the grief of loved ones present even more. Tuesday night I surrendered into the place of peace with God.

Wednesday we came to OHSU clinic for tests and then had dinner out, our sushi place. Tuesday night we had our Christmas exchange. It seems so long ago. Thursday we came here. It is with wide-eye wonder and fear we enter this next part of the journey."

The Mansion

My friend Maria and I were on our weekly Sunday morning power walk and turned down a street we weren't familiar with. A man out walking his dog sent us in a direction that connected with the trail up to Pittock Mansion. We've been planning to hike up to the mansion eventually, so today seemed like the perfect time.

We got to the top and walked over to the overlook area. I was scanning my brain to remember when the last time I had visited. It suddenly occurred to me that it was a year ago, almost to the hour, that I had been there with Laurence and his sister, Paula. We had taken her to breakfast and then took a drive to show her some sites of Portland and ended up at Pittock Mansion. We took some pictures, walked around the grounds and then went back home so Laurence could rest.

Maria and I sat on a bench to eat our snacks and I was overwhelmed with emotion as so many memories flooded back into my mind. When I first moved to Portland, I hiked up the trail to the mansion many times. I sat on the same bench we were on, appreciating the beauty surrounding me and prayed for someone to share my life with. When I met Laurence we made it a regular spot to enjoy a picnic lunch and people watch. Now I realized it was the last place Laurence and I visited.

There was no mistake that we ended up there today. A powerful reminder of love, beauty and the presence of God.

Memories

I heard that a friend's husband is in hospice care. Their children, grandchildren and family members are watching and waiting.

It brought up painful memories for me. It was a blessing to have Laurence at home and yet it was heartbreaking to watch him fade.

I have great gratitude for hospice workers, nurses and staff members. It is a gift for them to be present yet in the background so family members can grieve.

I've been sending prayers and love to my friend and her family, knowing that God is lifting them in love.

The Garden

Working in the garden has always been a blessing to me. There is something about digging into the soil that renews the soul. One sunny day last week (we're not having very many of these) I ventured out to pull some weeds only to find myself having a panic attack. I was short of breath and incredibly tired after a brief time. I put my tools away and went back to my chair on the deck.

I thought about the joy Laurence and I shared in the garden. He was my muscle man and did all the heavy lifting. After his surgeries a few years ago, he couldn't give physical help but he was my inspiration, listening to my ideas and acknowledging my artistic endeavors.

I think I was feeling that loss the other day. I know I'll get back out there giving thanks for the time we shared in the garden. I'm grateful for God's blessings.

Dreams

I've had several intense dreams about Laurence lately. The details faded quickly but I remember how he was helping me in some way. In fact, when I woke up I felt like he was still holding my hand.

I still feel moments of grief when I just can't believe he's not here. There is still a feeling of shock and sadness. But there are also times when I feel so much peace. I feel a greater freedom to talk to Laurence, especially when I'm cooking something. He is definitely helping me because I actually made some pretty good meals.

I give thanks for him every day in my prayers. I prayed for an extraordinary partner and my prayers were answered beyond my imagination. Thank you God.

Sacred Day

I had a very blessed Easter Sunday. Had brunch with wonderful friends this morning and tonight had a joyous evening at the ballet. I felt Laurence's love everywhere I went today.

Today, more than ever, I have an appreciation for the resurrection and the promise of eternal life. I know my beloved is basking in divine love and enjoying the freedom from earthly restrictions. I know I will see him again.

I am grateful God is so gracious.

Six Months

April 1st was six month anniversary since Laurence passed. I think I expected something different to happen or a new revelation. I guess the revelation is that I still miss him terribly. Sometimes I have this feeling of shock when I realize that he's not here, and that he's not coming home.

I've learned volumes about myself. Mostly that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I'm learning to have patience with my forgetfulness, sadness, lack of motivation.

I'm learning to love myself. It seemed easier when Laurence was around to love me and encourage me.

I'm grateful for wisdom and understanding. And faith.

The Answer Man

Laurence was amazing at sharing information. Clients called him for advice about money, business, retirement, relationships, raising children, caring for elderly parents, spiritual counseling and of course, he was always ready to share sports updates. He was a history buff and understood so much about world events. He always took time to listen and share what he knew.

I constantly asked his advice. Should I offer this workshop? Did you really like my newsletter? Does this jacket look OK? Should we buy this now or wait until later? What do you think I should do about ...?

I realized one day how much I missed talking with him, asking his advice, hearing his take on the news, sharing dreams about our future. I often ask myself, "What would Laurence say?" If I sit quietly in the stillness of the moment, I can hear his response to my question and his frequently asked question to me.

Who loves you baby?

Listening and Compassion

It's overwhelming to me how many people in customer service have no ability to hear what customers are saying to them on the phone.

I told the person I was calling that my husband was deceased and I needed to have a copy of the payments he made last year for tax purposes. The agent told me he was not authorized to talk with me and would need my husband to call him and give me authorization. HELLO..........are you listening?

Well I would like my husband to call me too, but it is probably not going to happen.

Listening and compassion: too much to ask??

Anti-grief Formula

A month after Laurence passed, I went to a department store at the mall and headed to the cosmetics counter. I purchased a bag of moisturizers, serums and lotions all promising anti-wrinkle, anti-aging, anti-sagging.

I didn't know how to say it but I was really looking for an anti-grief formula. A product that would erase my grey, sagging, sad-looking complexion. Something that would bring back the sparkle that I had when I looked at Laurence. Something that would make me smile the way he smiled at me. Something that would make me excited and hopeful again.

Problem is, it's an inside job. (sigh...)

Spam

There is a virus that on occasion shows up on Laurence's email address and sends out a spam message to everyone on his contact list. The only way to stop it is to close the account which I will do after all his bills are paid and accounts closed.

The first email I received I was a little shocked and dismayed. I realized how much I miss not hearing from him.

Now I notice I receive an email and feel like Laurence is sending a mystical message...just to say I'm thinking of you.

P.S. If you would prefer not to receive emails from him, please block his name.
Thanks.

Sundays

Laurence and I loved Sundays. It was our day to sleep in. Laurence would prepare a wonderful breakfast for us. We would listen to jazz and read the Sunday paper. Sometimes we would go for a drive or for a walk in the afternoon, of course, only when it wasn't football season.

Thinking of him on his birthday, missing him on Valentine's Day and remembering our special Sundays together.

It's been a weepy day today.

My Beloved's Birthday

Occasionally on this amazing journey of life, we have the opportunity to meet someone who makes a difference in our experience of the world around us. Someone who listens with compassion, who gives without limits, whose beautiful smile brightens a dreary day and whose contagious laugh chases even the darkest clouds away. We meet someone who reminds us that faith is essential, that God is Love, Love is unconditional and the world is a wonderful place to live.

I am truly blessed because my beloved husband Laurence was this light in my life. His presence continues to bless me each and every day.

The Beach

Today is four months since Laurence passed. It was a very hard day. I was driving home from an appointment wishing it was four years instead of four months. I realized that wouldn't make it any easier. I can't imagine four years without him.

I was very blessed to spend last weekend with my friend Sue at her beach house in Cannon Beach. I was able to leave some of Laurence's ashes in front of beautiful Haystack Rock. The sun was shining and it was an awesome Oregon beach day.

Laurence would have loved it.

Decisions

One of the toughest challenges for me is making decisions alone. Laurence was a blessing to talk with and had such clarity when it came to making decisions. He was incredibly knowledgeable and I felt relieved to have his support.

It is overwhelming that he is not here to help and I've had to make some of the biggest life-changing decisions since his passing. I am so grateful for all the loving friends that will answer my calls and questions. They help save my sanity.

I do know that Laurence is still helping me even though I can't have a conversation with him. I can feel his loving energy.

Coping

I often feel frustrated at answering the question "How are you doing?" I can tell you what I am feeling at the moment but it does little to describe the enormity of walking through loss. I have experienced the darkest corners of grief, the satisfaction of completing projects and feeling lonely in a room full of people.

Found this article that talks about the stages of grief. The author acknowledges that we can't put grief into a timeline or a framework. A friend asked me to explain what my grief was like. It's not possible. It is different every day.

I believe I have only touched on the depth of the loss. There has been so much to deal with after Laurence's death with the service, finances, paperwork and decisions. I know there is incredibly deep sadness that is below the surface that I haven't faced yet.

Mostly I would answer the question that I am coping. Some days are better than others.

Sold!

Car was sold yesterday. Praise God!

The mysterious buyer on craigslist was a manager at a car dealer. The transaction flowed with ease and grace.

Thanks for your prayers and love.

Vehicle of Freedom

I listed Laurence's car for sale on craigslist last week. I was stressing about selling it quickly. The manager at the credit union told me that she would be willing to extend my time (30 days) if I needed. A friend referred me to a broker and he agreed to include it in his listings. Someone emailed from craigslist and made a cash offer (for much less than the asking price). I turned him down.

I realized I was in conflict with myself. I felt urgency to sell it but at the same time I don't want to let it go. When it is gone, it's one more place that Laurence is gone.

Few people know that his first seven years as a financial advisor Laurence didn't own a car. We shared mine but mostly he took the bus. He never once complained and rarely asked for a ride. He never, really, never missed an appointment. He didn't want to take on the expense until he was ready. In 2007 he researched online and purchased a pre-owned Nissan Murano from Enterprise rental car company. His car was an expression of freedom for him. It was an acknowledgement of his achievement and effort.

I pray that the new owner is revealed with ease and grace. I accept that they feel the loving energy and the spirit of freedom. I trust that wisdom guides each step of the way. I gratefully carry Laurence's love in my heart as I let go and let God.

I am grateful God is gracious.